In Choose the Life You Want by Tal Ben-Shahar, you learn about decisions. When I think of decisions, the big ones come to mind: buying or selling a house to move across town or the country, choosing what school to attend, what career to enter into, and even who you will marry.
Tal makes this point:
“But the dramas of life’s ‘big decisions’ (which, almost by definition, are few and far between) should not hide the fact that in life we face choices all the time. Every moment of our waking life we face choices whose cumulative effect on us is just as great, if not greater, than the effect of the big decisions. I can choose whether to sit up straight or stooped; whether to say a warm word to my partner or give her a sour look; whether to appreciate my health, my friend, and my lunch, or to take them all for granted; whether to choose to choose or to remain oblivious to the choices that are there for the making. Individually, these choices may not seem important, but together they are the very bricks that make up the road we create for ourselves.”
Each small choice we make sets the stage for the life we will live. Every morning, I set an intention to give my wife and daughter a giant hug after they wake up. This small choice has created small times where they frequently open up and share how they are or what they’re feeling. Comments that would have likely never happened, glimpses into their thinking that I’d have never known. It’s helped me to suss out where some smoke is before a fire starts. It’s also helped me be present and listen to them, building trust.
Darren Hardy of Success magazine says in The Compound Effect:
“The Compound Effect is the principle of reaping huge rewards from a series of small, smart choices. What’s most interesting about this process to me is that, even though the results are massive, the steps, in the moment, don’t feel significant. Whether you’re using this strategy for improving your health, relationships, finances, or anything else for that matter, the changes are so subtle, they’re almost imperceptible. These small changes offer little or no immediate result, no big win, no obvious I-told-you-so payoff. So why bother?
Most people get tripped up by the simplicity of the Compound Effect. … What they don’t realize is that these small, seemingly insignificant steps completed consistently over time will create a radical difference.”
Our lives are the compounding product of each small decision we make. You lose ounces a day to drop 30 pounds over a few months. To be experienced as a caring boss or leader, you stack smiles, encouragement, gentle correction, and guidance. To be the husband or father you want to be, you listen intently, hand out hugs generously, and serve in small ways, like washing the dishes or noticing the fixes you need to make around the home.
Tal points out that we often save our best behavior for strangers and take greater liberties with those close to us. We can let down our guard and act more callous and gruff towards those closest to us. Intimacy and a long shared history can lead us to take the gifts these people are in our lives for granted.
Tal proposes a modification to the Golden Rule that says:
“Do not do unto those close to you what you would not have done unto others (who are not so close to you). We can get angry and upset, we can be disappointed and hurt, but if we want our relationships to flourish over time, we must treat those we love with at least as much respect as we do those we have just met.”
Today, I will focus more on the small decisions that lead to significant change over my lifetime: how I choose to speak to others, how I move through the day, the foods I choose to eat, and even what time I go to bed. I’ll place a bet that a year from today, I will reap the harvest of these small decisions.